Storm

Every time I saw something that triggers my pain, I feel there is storm inside myself. It start with deg-degan tiba-tiba, then rasa nyelekit kaya dada gue ditusuk-tusuk, then my whole body is shaking, then I lost my hearing sense for a moment, then I breakdown into tears.

It always triggered by some new information. Until finally I realized, that ignorance is a bliss. Better gue nggak tau sama sekali daripada gue tau dan malah bikin tambah sakit hati. Ketidaktahuan ternyata berkat dan bikin hidup gue lebih tenang.

I mean, kayanya mending gue tau 5 tahun kemudian jadi ketika tau pun gue sekalian aja, nggak usah tau momen-momen kecil yang bikin sakitnya berulang kali. Mending sakitnya nanti aja cukup sekali, atau bahkan semoga nanti ketika gue akan tau lagi, gue udah biasa aja dan feel nothing.

Thus, I decide to stop being curious to save myself from the storms.

Not gonna lie, in every storms, deep down I always hoping there will be someone new who pull me out and guide me to walk toward the sunlight. But that someone new is still unknown.

Ah and actually, I also decide to make a tribute post for Aa about my happiest core memory since 2015 that I will never publish and will forever stay in my draft to avoid misunderstanding and hurting anyone feelings.

Anyway, this year, there are in total 4 storms, with the last 2 happened in nearest timeline, which is in same month.

First storm, March 2021.

To be exact March 24, 2021. My birthday. The day Aa decide to walk out from my life without clear reasons. He suddenly so determine to the point I start to scare I will really losing him, and yes, I did losing him. Last moment I always remember that I was begging in front of him and he was so cold and did not even budge. He become someone I never know, he was not Aa.

Second storm, June 2021.

To be exact June 12, 2021. The day Aa got so mad over something while all I want just his compromise as I think I have sacrifice and patient enough. The day I realize that he really are someone else, and indeed already attached with someone new. Last moment I always remember that he said, "Iya, semua rasa sayang yang jadi motivasi utama balikan itu semua bohong." (nope, I don't believe that as your action show the opposite. Actually the affection that I received pas balikan tuh multiplies banget. Kerasa. Because besides rasa sayang, there is rasa nyesel juga kan) and, "Oke kalau memang kita komunikasi lagi hanya bikin sakit hati satu sama lain, mending kita nggak usah komunikasi lagi selamanya. Bahkan sebagai teman pun nggak usah."

The second one hit me really hard, same feeling when he said I will just ruin his future. While all I know that one thing he scared the most is losing me as his closest friend and being hated by me. Memang, people changes.

Third storm, December 2021.

To be exact December 4, 2021. The day I feel deja vu and realized that I just got fooled twice and that will be his last bacot or lies towards me. Last moment I always remember that I was at Bali with my mom and sister, siap-siap mau jalan, when the storm attack, when I know the fact he already neutralized his feelings for me for these last 6 years in just 3 months (or less), as easy as snap of finger. Maybe Aa udah muak kali ya ditambah he already has pegangan way before we broke up, so yeah it's the only timeline that make sense. And actually the most heart-breaking part is, I got disappointed by 2 person at once as I said on Deja Vu.

Forth storm, December 2021.

To be exact December 24, 2021. Christmas Eve. Another important date in my life after birthday, yet he manage to destroy and change it to my most miserable day. The day I feel enough with all information I received. The day I finally accept and let go all things related to him. The day I delete everything related to him, either chats, photos, videos, social medias, and even contacts. The day I decide that I just want disappeared completely from Aa's life. The day I decide that I will never give him any access to my updates. The day I convinced that even if we missed each other, let's just keep lost contact and just pray for each other. My biggest storm. And I really hope my last storm.

Thus, with that saying, this also will be my last post in 2021. By far, worst year that ever happened to me. I am walking in to 2022, without someone I loved since 2015.