Mimpi (2)

Semalem mimpi Aa lagi, tapi kebangun subuh karena sakit hati. Gimana coba saking sakit hati sampe kebangun?! Even in dream you manage to hurt me hahaha not your fault but still, tega banget.

Been trying to bury all things related to Aa so I don't need to have a space in my brain about anything that triggers my pain. But seems like my consciousness have another plan. Maybe, alam bawah sadar w berusaha mengingatkan that I supposed to hate him, thus I keep being reminded even in my sleep.

Or maybe it's a clue of real fact, that the second event happened since December 2020, that he degrade my value to the point I was equal to the person I trauma the most (my biggest fear), that he show me cheating was normal, that I for-a-moment questioning myself that it's all my fault he was cheating. The insecurities hit me again like a truck while for sure I fully know my worth.

Woke up at 3AM, processing what just happened for legit 10 mins, breathing in and out, then sleep again. Fortunately I did not falling into deep pit like last time. I manage to get myself together. As I told, my shield is indeed getting stronger.

You may never know because you never walk in my shoes but the impact of being cheated on is not only destroy trust between us, it also destroy me as whole person. Thus when I realized in the morning, I could not be more thankful to myself. Thank you for being strong to survive, as I can not afford to lose me again.