Numb

Found something I can related to on TikTok. It tells about toxic traits that describe me really well:

"One of my biggest toxic traits is, I know how to love... but I don't know how to believe I am loved."

Before, it just go as default that I believe, that I trust, without any doubt, even never cross in my mind to have suspicion over everything. But now, I keep questioning every-single-thing. I'm just giving and hard to receiving. Thus why I always feel I am the only one who carry the relationship.

Don't want to make it one-sided. I know that I also the reason of some Aa's toxic traits. Such as he always need reassurance and validation that he does not need to feel guilty, to feel belittled, that he is enough and worthy, while he never express it and keep all of it in silence. Or how he prefer to tell lies over ugly-truths because he always imagine the negative response he will receive if he tell the truths. Or how he avoid confrontation while it actually help to develop our characters.

I admit that I did some mistakes that trigger trauma in Aa's life too. It goes both ways and rounding like a circle between us.

But if we see further to the past, the root cause of my (and his) toxic traits is the first heartbreak event, when I got cheated on for the first time and being accused that I will ruin his future, while all I want just acknowledgement.

Got cheated -> makes me insecure -> makes me change my whole perspective out of man and love -> raise trauma -> raise trust issue -> become toxic traits in relationship.

Cheating -> makes him guilty -> makes him sorry -> raise trauma -> raise emotional unstable issue -> become toxic traits in relationship.

Actually nowadays, instead of trauma, I feel more like numb. Like every love-sense inside me is shutting down. I always intended to bury all related things to Aa, but instead, I unconsciously bury my love-sense. It's hard, lonely and empty, but I don't feel any excitement either every time I met new person.

Thus I really wonder how come the other side can neutralized the feelings in such short period? Did everything in last 5+ years means nothing? Maybe it did nothing for him sih, while I was the one who got too attached.

I always afraid that, what if I have given all my love-sense and soul to Aa? So I run out of it now and can not give another one for the new person. Is that the reason why I always feel numb?

Kan ada tuh istilah: "Dia jadi menutup diri karena cintanya habis di mantannya."

Takut. Banget.